Duct tape, miracles and tears

I am one of those women who cries when I’m mad.  It’s one of the things I want to change about myself.  For a long time that was because I thought it made me look weak, but now it’s because those tears give a false sense of what I’m feeling.

I am at a place in life where I know that tears aren’t weakness.  In fact, they are brave in many ways.  Allowing someone else to see your pain is hard.  Sharing your pain with another human being is incredibly vulnerable, but it’s also incredibly liberating.  It allows us to connect on a very visceral level, something we lack most days.  So many of our interactions just barely scratch the surface of emotion that our connection to one another has become very weak.

I’m a single mom, business owner, friend and attempted super woman.  I say attempted because it’s simply not possible to be all things to all people.  I used to try so hard to look as though I had it all together, but the truth is that some days I feel like my life is held together by duct tape and miracles.  The last few years since my divorce I have learned just how powerful honesty and vulnerability can be.  I’ve grown as a person from allowing myself to be vulnerable, but so have my relationships with other people.  I’ve found support and kindness in places I never expected, all because I allowed people to see inside the mask I used to hide behind.

I am far from weak.  In fact, I’m stronger than most of the people I know.  I truly believe vulnerability is the reason why.  More than anything, I strive to be authentic, which is exactly why those angry tears bother me so much.  Those tears lead people to believe I’m sad, when in fact I’m furious beyond reason.  It feels like a fraudulent act, like a child pretending to be upset so they’ll get their way.  I want to convey exactly how I’m feeling, not muddy the waters with unintended tears that I can’t control.

What about you, do you sometimes react to situations in an unintended way?  Does it make you feel inauthentic?